Car Review: 2012 Ford F-350 Super Duty Crew Cab

THE 2012 FORD F-350 SUPER DUTY CREW CAB REVIEW

Full Review by Andy: What Would the World Be Like?

The 2012 Ford F-350 Super Duty Crew Cab represents the most capable class of consumer-oriented trucks in America. Together with the heavy duty editions of the Chevy Silverado and Ram, the F-350 is able to handle whatever grimy tasks the working men and women of America throw at it. Just think of what the F-350 could have done were it used in the past. The pyramids of the Giza plateau would have had the phrase, “Built Ford Tough” stamped on their limestone blocks. What would the world be like if it had been built by Ford trucks?

What if Henry Ford had driven a Ford F-350?
Firstly, Henry’s most famous model would likely bear the moniker of “Model F.” Secondly, rather than the skinny tires and bugaboo-style cab of the Model T, Ford’s protégé would have been brash, brawny, as long as a trailer and as wide as Rosie O’Donnell. The F-350, which is as large as taxi for Paul Bunyan, distinguishes itself from its smaller siblings with a gargantuan three-bar grille.

What if the citizens of ancient Sparta had driven a Ford F-350?
The world would be the same. The interior of the base F-350 is sparse. Vinyl and plastic are as widespread as beer at a Super Bowl party. Any sort of curve and chrome is seen in the truck is meant to epitomize masculinity, so the interior decor is decidedly lacking. However, once customers move past the base XL trim, the F-350 comes with carpeted floors, cup holders, cloth upholstery, and other essentials of modern comfort. Top-end trims are swathed in enough leather to give an animal rights activist a hernia. (See color options).

What if James Watt had built an F-350 engine?
Had Watt designed an engine of the F-350’s caliber at the get-go of the Industrial Revolution, you and I would be driving 10,000-horsepower top fuel dragsters and giving monster trucks to children on Christmas. In standard guise, the F-350 has a 385-horsepower V8 that generates 405 horsepower. But as they say, go big or go home, so wise customers should opt for the optional turbodiesel that generates 800 lb-ft of torque.

What if Romulus and Remus had owned a Ford F-350?
Contrary to popular knowledge, Rome would have been built in a day. Equipped with the base engine, Crew Cab models can tow up to 15,000 pounds. The available turbodiesel powerplant boosts that number to 17,500 pounds. Maximum payload capacity is 7,110 pounds. Specific figures vary depending on axle ratio, single vs. dual rear axle, etc. In short, the F-350 Super Duty is an automotive mammoth. If Carthaginian military strategist Hannibal owned a horde of F-350 Crew Cabs, he still would have crossed the Alps, but in much more style and comfort.

What if O.J. Simpson drove the Ford F-350?
Instead of that white Ford Bronco, what if O.J. Simpson drove the F-350 on that famous high speed chase? Despite the poor fuel economy of the old Broncos, today’s F-350 is estimated to achieve just 12 mpg on the road. He probably would have quickly run out of gas, ending the scene and depriving national audiences of a thrilling Fugitive-style chase. Either that, or the F-350’s slow acceleration and steering would have made it very unexciting.

However, the F-350 would keep Simpson safe during the chase. All models have disc brakes, trailer-sway control, hill start assist, and other electronic nannies. Towing mirrors, a rearview camera, and parking sensors are standard on upper echelon trims.

What if the Joads had owned a Ford F-350?
Had the Joad family driven a colossal Ford F-350 Crew Cab, John Steinbeck would likely not have won the Nobel Prize. Rather than depicting the plight of the poor, Steinbeck would have penned an account of a family in luxury, with more cargo and comfort than ten Hudson trucks. The F-350 is available with a 6-ft-9-in bed or an 8-ft extended bed. The ride is markedly quiet and composed, and the cavernous cabin has gobs of space for five occupants.

What if Leo Tolstoy had driven a Ford F-350 King Ranch?
Cosseted by the luxury and space of the F-350 King Ranch ($47,975), Tolstoy would never have gone into depression, written War and Peace, and would most likely have saved high school literature teachers thousands of hours of hair-wrenching turmoil. In upper trims like the King Ranch and Lariat ($43,310), the F-350 offers everything from heated/ventilated seats to SYNC, satellite radio and Bluetooth. The mainstream XLT ($39,090) does without all the above, settling for more pedestrian but useful features such as cruise control and a four-speaker sound system that the base XL ($33,470) does without.

The Ford F-350 can alter history. So change yours. What will you do when you own the 2012 Ford F-350 Super Duty Crew Cab?

Details:
Engine: 6.2-liter V8, 6.7-liter turbocharged diesel V8 (optional)
Horsepower & Torque:
6.2-liter: 385 hp @5,500 rpm, 405 lb-ft of torque @4,500 rpm
6.7-liter: 400 hp, 800 lb-ft of torque
Transmission: six-speed shiftable automatic
Drivetrain: RWD/4WD
Fuel Economy: Estimated average 12-14 mpg
Base MSRP: $33,470

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